I've been feeling heavy self disgust for a short while.
I have no outlet for it and it's sort of just building up.
But I've been using the methods from my counselor, they haven't been working.
Thursday night I had a hallucination, which I haven't had any in a little over a year... So that's not good.
I don't want to tell my therapist anything when I see her again.
They do NOT let people who have hallucinations walk around in my state.
I WILL be put away if they get scared of me.
I fucking lied to friends when I said I needed to leave from nausea.
And I've been having a thing about eating again. I really lack an appreciation for it right now.
I don't see a damn good thing about myself when I look in a mirror.
I can't think about my future, because it freaks me the fuck out.
I keep thinking about this stupid crap that doesn't even make a difference.
I might be infertile, who cares?
I might never get into a college, who cares?
I might have cancer in my right ovary, who cares?
I haven't been taking my vitamins (which I literally NEED to) for several weeks, who cares?
I abandoned someone because I wanted to keep them safe from my self destruction, who cares?
It's all just this shit storm of bundled up things that I'm over concerned about.
Just the other day I was discussing college with a friend, and I immediately had heavy nausea. I had to lay down and ignore them for a bit.
And I hate that I'm sad, and I'm probably going to live with that for all of my life because depression can be hereditary, and my mom has it, and just fuck me.