"You're beautiful." They say that a lot. "You're beautiful." You let them tell you that every time they see you. "You're so sexy". "I'd kill to be as thin as you". "You have a body I'd die for". And all the while I'm slowly dying. Wasting away. Lethargic, exhausted, in constant pain. I won't eat. I rarely sleep. I just don't take care of myself. You'll accuse me of trying to get attention. You'll assume I'm suicidal. But the simple truth is I just don't care. I don't care about myself. That's why I look like a starving holocaust survivor. That's why I never exercise or eat or sleep. I just don't care. I can't be bothered to do anything about my body wasting away. But you'll still tell me I'm beautiful. You'll still tell me there is nothing wrong. And why should you? I'm beautiful! (No I'm not). Don't lie to me. Don't you fucking lie to me! If I'm so beautiful why am I still single? If I'm so sexy, why am I still a virgin? I'm not asking for much. Or maybe I'm just a selfish, shallow little slut. But it's not like you're any different! Yes you! I know why you can't go for five minutes in a conversation without talking about dicks. I know why you have to bring up your sexuality to every person you meet. I know why you starve yourself to keep that perfect beach body. I know why you shave your legs and crotch every day. I know why you dress like a slut in below zero weather. You and me are the same. We jump over so many hurdles and broadcast ourselves like a public service announcement and all the while hoping for that one in a million chance that we will run into someone who is just as desperate for a quick, standardless fuck as we are! Even though such a thing has never happened! Every party! Every club meeting! Every convention! Every fucking social gathering! You proudly strut your stuff, flirting and teasing like a dog in heat and all the while telling yourself: This time. This time. This time! This time! THIS TIME!!! THIS TIMETHISTIMETHISTIME!!! And nothing comes of it. The compliments on how sexy you look are not reciprocated and you go home alone again to jack off and enviously watch all the couples on Facebook. And all the while I can only think two words. Next time.
I'm so beautiful.
I keep telling myself.
If my body is a temple then I am the embodiment of desecration.